from one dark place to another....

Did a complex ab workout today. - It was 6 rounds with 6 reps of the following exercises. Counted 6 reps of each exercises as a rep. So each round had 216 crunches and the total wod had 1,296 crunches. I haven't done crunches in forever so it felt a little weird doing them

basic crunch
left side crunch (rotation)
right side crunch (rotation)
90 degree toe reach
leg crossover crunch (left twist)
leg crossover crunch (right twist)

10 x 3 chair dips - arms were feeling sore from yesterday's lifting on these.

I am questioning myself today because  I feel like I am not going after it as much as I normally would and it is depressing, frustrating, unnerving. I feel like a fighter that has been hit too hard or too much and I just don't have my right mind about me. I've done a lot this season. I started out doing a lot of crossfit endurance wods on the rowing or running after my shoulder surgery because it was one of the things I could do. That made me think I want to test this stuff out so I starting racing 5 k's. I ran a ton of those this season and I had some success. 1st, 2nds, 3rds in age group. They were fast, they were fun so I thought hhhmmm if I actually starting training for this stuff I wonder how I could do. I did some longer distance races like 4 - 5 milers but nothing seriously far or out of my reach physically. I always respected triathletes for their physical prowess and really thought it was something that I couldn't do. I'm just not that fit! I'm was a fighter, a crossfitter, someone that could hit it hard for awhile and be done, not someone that possessed the ability to just hit it hard for a little long time. many people told me that I had the physical ability to just go out and do it because of the shape that I was in. I didn't believe them and I needed to wrap my mind around it too. Never liking to feel limited i decided to go for it, got hooked up with jay (the best coach a girl could ever ask for) and went and bought a bike and starting training swimming. This year I completed my first duathlon, my first 3 olympic distance tris, and 2 sprint distance tris. Did my first 10k and my first half-marathon too. ALL of these were trained for and completed with an injury that lead me to the surgery I had a little over a week ago. (and some other injuries along the way - from accidents not overtraining) but I trained around all of them the best I could. I did 2 bike legs of late season triathlons when I really couldn't run anymore placed 1st and 3rd in those. Even picked up a medal for an open water swimming race. My swimming wasn't the greatest during the races. But this is the first time I have ever trained swimming to race. It is the first time I have been in a pool swimming laps in over 20 years. And the first time I have ever been open water swimming. yeah im a city kid. But honestly I feel in love with it all. I thought running would be my strong point since I actually had some previous experience in road racing, cross-country and track back in my school days. However with the injury I was not really running as well as I would have liked and I never came close to numbers I would have seen when I actually trained to run. But I didn't really care because I was out there doing it even with the injuries (and thankfully i had jay who the injuries didn't phase either!). I fell completely in love with my bike (except for when jay dragged me around the hills of ct, I tried to get lost but he wouldn't have it) and I started commuting on it as much as possible just for more time in the saddle. I was addicted to my journeys with stefan (my handsome stud of a road bike) I also came to know the peace that is swimming and I really looked forward to getting in the water and just being free of it all. I miss swimming, I miss riding stefan and I miss running. I wish I could just hit it at crossfit instead of hopping around with a cast on my foot but that is what next season is for. Hopefully I will be injury free (FINALLY!) and see myself completing my 1st - two half-ironman distance races amoung all of the other tris and road races I will undoubtly be packing my season full of. If the foot is finally not a factor I would like to complete my first marathon and my first ironman at some point after all of that. The biggest thing I've come to learn this season is that I can train for and do this endurance shit. So much of it is mental (not that the physical training isn't important) but I think the mental side is equally important. These long races take you to some dark places but that is why I love it. I need to check exactly what i've got. I don't care what i've had in the past, it is all stepping stones to where i'm going. If you believe you can, you do. If you think you can't, you won't. I had some obstacles to overcome in my most of my races this season and I am thankful for all of them. I remember walking out to the swim of my first tri which wasn't wetsuit legal and I while I was nervous about it (really nervous ,right jay?) because I've never done an open water swim without a wetsuit especially of this distance. I told myself I was doing this because not finishing this thing wasn't an option. I headed out on the bike and about a mile before the end I slid in some gravel/dirt when a car was close to me on the road and I put my hand down on a guardrail to stabilize myself while continuing to move forward. I sustained an avulsion fracture in my thumb which saw it immobilized for weeks. But I headed out on the run anyway because not finishing it again wasn't as option. The run went well enough until I was about 2 miles out from the finish and I fell over a rock on the trail. I was way to close now to even care about such things. I refused to look down at my injuries because nothing was coming between me and crossing "the line". Of course I finished and lived not only to tell about it and race again but I had my first trip to the ambulance at a race for photo ops! Having freshly complete my first ever triathlon I began putting jay up the challenge of having train me. How do you program for a post op shoulder, a immobilized hand and a broken foot. I wasn't giving in on any of the races I had scheduled for the season and Jay never gave up on it either. The majority of my races were eventful, often involving all day rain but sometimes even more fun like getting lost on the bike course. But I finished all of them. Even picked up a 3rd place for a tri with my first river swim. During that swim i wondered if I was going to get pulled out by a boat i was struggling with that current. The most painful race of the season had to go to my half-marathon. That is long distance to cover on a broken foot but I wanted that under my belt too. Sometimes the race is about finishing, sometimes it is about racing (yourself and/or others) but it is always about checking exactly who you are under any circumstances. Sometimes it won't feel like fun but your really having some of the best times of your life and I won't give it up for anything. This cast will come off eventually and I will be back at it to the best of my ability. Recovery from injuries is a tough time no doubt and while I don't like it at all. It's always the tough struggles that bring the gains, hill repeat workouts are the best teacher of this for me. Not being able to do something has always been the biggest mental struggle for me. I am considering this working around the injury training as some serious mental training in that regards. well that and plunging yourself in ice-baths. (3-2-1-go!) So while I probably didn't have the best racing season i will see I did have the best racing season I could have with what I was dealt. The challenges will continue to be there next season but hopefully more of the faster and farther variety instead of the broken obstacles. I also challenged myself to take a bike maintainence course. I am not good at dealing with mechanical parts (stefan has jay to thank for staying in running order, my solutions usually involved just yanking at the parts that I didn't know that names for). I've learned a lot and i've come pretty far dragging my broken foot along and pulling with the one good hand but there is so much more out there to learn and experience yet and while you never really feel ready for it, it just becomes your time to go and my time is here.


meal 1 - vega wfo w/coconut water
meal 2 - carrots & carmelized onion hummus =, clif builder bar
meal 3 - brown rice, tofu, veggies, carrots & hummus
meal 4 - thai tofu and veggies & salad